Stop asking people how old you look on TikTok

This week on TikTok, there are fads that will make you feel unhinged: “Guess My Age” videos in which users post a clip of themselves asking strangers to predict their age have been viewed more than 100 million times. Sure, this might seem like a fun experiment at first glance, but dig a little deeper (or just click on one of these viral videos) and you’ll see a whole host of hurtful statements, unsolicited advice, and harsh criticism. the comments section.

But let’s back up. What’s the deal with people posting these videos in the first place? According to certified counselor Alyssa Scolari, the fascination with asking strangers to guess someone’s age often stems from a need for validation and reassurance for the person asking.

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Alyssa ScolariLPC, ACS, is a licensed counselor and the owner of See You Through It Counseling.

“Age is a marker of identity, and how others perceive our age can significantly impact our self-esteem and self-image,” Scolari tells PS. “If someone asks strangers to guess their age, they may be looking for feedback that confirms their self-perception or increases their self-esteem.” For example, if a person is aware that he looks older than he really is, receiving guesses that place him at a younger age can be affirming and reassuring.

The social interaction in these experiments can also be a form of validation. “Every guess and comment is a form of engagement that makes the questioner feel noticed and acknowledged,” Scolari says. In the digital age we live in today, these interactions, even with strangers, can provide a sense of connection and community.

As for the “responders,” the shared social experiment can satisfy our innate curiosity about others. “Guessing someone’s age uses our observational skills and cultural knowledge about aging and appearance,” says Scolari. “It’s also a way to connect with others and be part of a larger conversation.”

Here’s the problem, though. While the popular age experiment can temporarily boost self-esteem, it can also have a negative effect on emotional well-being if you’re the one asking the question. One of the most important risks? The chance of disturbing comments. For TikTok user Kate Winney, statements referencing her appearance (“forehead wrinkles” and “bags under eyes”), as well as her choice of clothing, voice and behavior, fill the comments section. Essentially, you’re opening the door for strangers to reveal their inner thoughts about you, and because they’re behind a screen, this is often a reason for them to react negatively. ‘These negative comments can reinforce self-doubt and… body image problemscausing individuals to become overly critical of their natural features,” says Scolari. “Rather than seeing the guesses as harmless fun, people may internalize the negative feedback, leading to distorted self-image and even anxiety or depression about their appearance.”

Besides creating deeper insecurities, the experiment may also highlight the pressure we face to conform to societal beauty standards. For example, when advice focuses on cosmetic changes, such as ‘Getting Botox— it reinforces that looking young is more important than other traits, such as intelligence, kindness or creativity, says Scolari. “This skewed value system can erode self-esteem and lead to unhealthy behaviors as individuals strive to conform to unrealistic beauty standards. ”

Can’t we just celebrate growing older for what it really is: a testament to our life experiences, growth and resilience? Our society is already inundated with “anti-aging” messages, from beauty products that promise to turn back time to media images of older people as less vibrant or relevant. The age conundrum does nothing more than play into these cultural norms by making age a central point of judgment and comparison, ultimately leading to fear of growing older, Scolari says.

“If you’re drawn to trends like this, it might be worth thinking about why. Are you looking for validation or reassurance? Are there other, healthier ways to boost your self-esteem? By participating practicing self-care and surrounding yourself with supportive people and focusing on your strengths and achievements can all help build a more stable sense of self.”

Michelle Rostamian is a Los Angeles-based beauty and wellness practitioner with over 10 years of industry experience. She started her career as a publicist, content writer and social media manager, representing beauty brands and industry professionals. She is currently a writer and editor covering all things makeup, beauty, skin care and lifestyle.