Parenting Teens: Setting Limits on Clothing Choices

Teenagers and their parents will inevitably disagree on many things, from curfews to spending money. Another common point of conflict is clothing, especially when a teen’s aesthetic is more revealing than parents would like.

Some parents want their teens to dress more modestly. Others don’t mind bare skin, but are concerned about their child’s well-being and how others might perceive them.

“It’s still a sad reality that what people wear can attract bad attention,” he says Rudy Hernández, a mental health therapist at Kaiser Permanente in California. “As parents, we have an instinct to protect them from the reputational, verbal and possibly emotional abuse” they may face if they are barely wearing clothes, he explained.

While it may be difficult for parents to keep their thoughts about skimpy clothing to themselves, Hernandez advises parents to “do their best not to criticize or judge the teen for his choice of clothing.” Instead, he recommended parents “have a broader conversation about style and what they hope to convey.” Asking questions in a non-judgmental way can open a dialogue. Parents can ask, “Why do you want to wear that?” or “What kind of statement do you hope to send with your clothes?” and pay close attention to the answers, Hernandez advised.

There can be many valid reasons why teens want to wear skimpy clothes, explained Caroline Fenkel, a mental health expert and chief clinical officer at Charlie Health. “Clothes can be a form of self-expression for teens, allowing them to discover their identity and individuality,” she says. It can also give them a confidence boost as they “feel more confident and powerful when they wear clothes that make them feel comfortable and attractive,” she said. In addition, certain clothing can lead to greater acceptance among peers. “Wearing clothes that resemble those of their peers can give teens a sense of belonging and fitting in with their social group,” says Fenkel.

After listening to your teen’s reasons for wanting to dress the way he or she wants to dress, parents can start a discussion about the dangers of wearing revealing clothing. Many parents worry that “certain clothing can attract unwanted attention or intimidation, potentially endangering the teen’s safety,” Fenkel explains, and that certain clothing can lead to conflict with others in the teen’s life who may influence their choice of clothing. not approve.

When parents let teens know that they are trying to protect them rather than control them, they may be more receptive to their parents’ message, Hernandez said. Parents should also be honest if they aren’t ready to see their children dress so maturely, he said.

“We live in very difficult and frightening times. Gone are the days of just ‘stranger danger’. Children are being stalked online, personally tracked and manipulated on a global level,” said Hernandez. While clothing isn’t solely responsible, it can play a role in attracting unwanted attention. “I always propose to provide factual evidence that there are inappropriate people viewing, videotaping and attempting to post such outfits online,” he said.

This is important because “because of adolescent development, they think bad things are unlikely to happen to them,” he explains. Traci Williamsa child and family psychologist. Most teens experience a temporary developmental phase called egocentrism, in which they “view themselves as invincible,” Williams said. According to Williams, this is “a normal part of adolescent cognitive development” that “leads teens to inaccurately assess potential risks.”

Parents should not expect teens to see their point of view immediately. “Teens are pushing boundaries and having dialogue and wanting to prove a point,” Hernandez said.

Sharon Van Epps found this to be true when, as a teenager, she talked to her now 20-year-old daughter about revealing clothes. “She told me my response was ‘anti-feminist,’” Van Epps said. In response, Van Epps told her daughter that “we live in the unfair real world,” although she understood her daughter’s position.

According to therapist Charles Nassar, teens may also value independence over common sense. “Teenagers want an increasing degree of independence from their parents, so they will generally ask for control over almost everything in their lives, including clothing choices, even if it is to their own detriment,” he said.

Regardless of what parents think, “telling your child that they look ‘horrible’ or ‘foolish’ will cause hurt feelings, pain and trauma, which may lead them to criticize their own body,” Hernandez said. Telling teens they are “bad” because of what they choose to wear can damage their self-esteem, he added.

Furthermore, parents should remain calm no matter how angry they feel about their teen’s choice of clothing. “Usually when we show love and concern without shame or shouting, we can get our point across,” Hernandez advised.

Even if parents are strongly opposed to their teens’ clothing choices, Nassar advises against instituting an outright ban. “A hard ‘no’ often breeds compliance at home and rebellion outside,” he explained. To get around the rule, teens can sneak around and put on skimpy clothes once they’re out of sight. Instead, Nassar advises reaching a compromise.

“Examples of compromises might include the teen avoiding a specific type of clothing that makes the parent most anxious” or limiting the number of days a week a teen wears revealing clothing, Nassar said. Hernandez also encourages parents to “discuss alternatives” with their teens, such as wearing cycling shorts under short skirts or a bandeau bra under a low-cut shirt.

Van Epps decided to compromise with her daughter by focusing “on the right clothes for the occasion.” For example, she encouraged her daughter to dress more conservatively at family gatherings and at school, but was more lenient at home and on weekends.

Clothing can give teens “the opportunity to share their bodies on their terms,” Williams said. Choosing what to wear is an important part of adolescent development and how “teenagers create their sense of identity,” she explained.

However, “if the clothing puts the teen at risk of harassment or other dangers, parental intervention may be necessary,” Fenkel said. Ultimately, “parents are responsible for setting boundaries and guidelines, including rules about clothing choices,” she said. But any rules around clothing “must be reasonable and explained to the teen,” she said.

If parents allow their teens to wear revealing clothing, they should teach their children to be “vigilant” of their surroundings so they know if someone is watching or filming them, Hernandez suggested.

Whether teens wear skimpy clothing or not, they are likely to receive “unwanted attention” at some point, Williams said. “This can be a learning opportunity for teens, and parents can help by asking how they felt and coming up with solutions for dealing with similar future situations,” she said. Part of that discussion may include the role that revealing clothing played in the incident.

Even if parents are more tolerant at home, school dress codes may require children to cover up on school grounds.

Jillian Amodio, a licensed social worker and mother of a teenage daughter, buys crop tops for her daughter with the understanding that she will not wear them to school because they would violate her school’s dress code. She follows the consequences if she doesn’t follow the rules. “I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a fan of dress codes. But I am a believer in respect. And we don’t always have to agree with the rules of an establishment, but we can still respect its existence,” said Amodio said.

When Amodio’s daughter got in trouble for wearing crop tops to school, against school rules and those of her mother, Amodio confiscated the shirts for two weeks. She then gave her daughter the “opportunity to prove that she can responsibly make her own clothing choices.” Amodio explained that she eventually returned the shirts to her daughter because “the clothes are not the problem, it’s the choices.”

Parents must accept that having children means not agreeing with all their decisions. “Eventually, your teen will make decisions that you may not be aware of” or disagree with, Williams said.

“It can be a difficult part of parenting when you have to give up some of your control,” she added.