What to do if your child comes out in 2022

What to do when your child comes out: Parent’s guide to supporting LGBT+ children

Pride Month may be coming to an end, but support for the LGBT community has no end date. Many of the individuals who come out and identify as part of the LGBT community are children.

The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Law and Public Policy at the UCLA School of Law estimates that this is the case approximately 3.2 million LGBT youth between the ages of eight and eighteen.

With this in mind, it is more important than ever to support your children as they come out. Statistics have shown this that LGBT youth are more than four times as likely to commit suicide than their peers, but there is at least one accepting adult can reduce that risk by 40 percent.

When your child comes out to you, it can be difficult to say the right things, even when you want to be supportive. We sat down with representatives from Live the life And PFLAG to create a guide on how to support your LGBT children when they come out and long after.

Why is coming out important for LGBT youth?

There have been many conversations, both within and outside the LGBT community, about whether or not coming out is necessary as society becomes more accepting.

Marilena Rocco, manager of educational programs for Live Out Loud, says that while society has become more accepting, progress can still be made. Therefore, for many people, coming out means entering a supportive and welcoming community.

“That’s why it’s so important to come out, to feel valid in who you are,” says Rocco. “You are loved for who you are and you are accepted and celebrated for who you are.”

Martine Bowman, manager of educational programs for Live Out Loud, says it’s valuable to be able to connect with people with a shared identity.

“It’s almost a built-in family that you get when you are your authentic self,” Bowman says.

It’s also important to remember that coming out isn’t a one-time thing.

“People come out every day to be themselves and be seen,” said Clark Hamel, education programs manager for PFLAG. “So coming out for the first time is a process that opens that door.”

In many cases, the first people LGBT youth come out to are trusted individuals, such as parents.

“It’s an honor to be trusted with that information when it’s first shared,” Hamel said. “For most LGBT people, especially young people, they do it with someone they trust, who they love, who they want to share this information with to open the door for the rest of their lives.”

What should I say to my child when he or she comes to me?

It can be a surprise when your child comes to you, especially if you don’t know much about the LGBT community. But you can support your LGBT children even if you still struggle with acceptance or if there are things you don’t fully understand.

One positive thing you can say to your child when he or she comes to you is to thank him or her for sharing this information with you.

“It’s an acknowledgment that this was something that was probably difficult for their child to do,” Hamel says. “Saying thank you shows gratitude that they have your trust in the first place.”

Other good responses include telling your child that you love him or her, that you accept him or her for who he or she is, and asking questions about how you can support him or if he or she needs anything from you.

Building an environment where your child feels safe to express themselves starts long before he starts thinking and having conversations about his identity.

You can help foster this environment by normalizing the LGBT community in your home: watching films that feature LGBT representation, going to art exhibitions by LGBT artists, having open conversations about the community. Doing this creates a space of inclusivity.

“If that conversation happens, it might not be that big of a surprise,” Bowman says. “It’s just a natural conversation that happens.”

My child just came to me and I feel a lot of things that are difficult for me to process. What should I do?

As a parent, a child’s coming out can bring a flood of emotions: confusion, fear for their safety, and in some cases, perhaps even anxiety. First and foremost, it is important to be honest about your emotions and what you are feeling. This allows you to process what you are feeling without it having a negative impact on your child.

“If there are emotions of confusion, sadness or grief, this is a darker emotion than overall acceptance,” says Rocco. “Absolutely go through that grieving process, but not in the presence of your child.”

An important thing to remember is that your child is still the same child you love.

“You just learn something new about it,” Rocco says. “And it’s an honor to hear them tell you, and it comes from a place of love.”

Parents may be overwhelmed by this new information because they don’t know much about the LGBT community.

But even if you don’t fully understand it, do your best to affirm your child in a positive way so that he or she grows up in an environment where he or she can thrive and be themselves. It can also be helpful to research and talk to other people who have children in the LGBT community.

“It’s okay if a parent doesn’t fully understand what’s happening right away, but it’s so important to do that research, to connect with other people, other LGBTQ+ parents, other parents of LGBTQ+ children,” says Eli Dunn , social work intern for Live Out Loud. “And building that social community can be very helpful.”

How can I make sure my child knows I still love and accept him after he comes out?

Supporting your LGBT child doesn’t stop after they come out. It is important to reaffirm your love and support for them in the months and even years afterward. This makes the home a safe place as your child continues to grow and explore their identity.

“Coming out to you, the parent, happens the first time, but for that young person, they continue to come out to other people and express their identity for the rest of their life,” Hamel says. “So it’s really important to continue to give verbal support and express that affirmation throughout their lives.”

Reaffirming this support can take different forms. Do your own research and ask your child questions to show that you are interested in him or her and their identity.

See if there is a community, like one school GSA, which your child can join. Attend family-friendly pride events together. Engaging in things your child is interested in is a great way to support him and reaffirm his identity after coming out.

Additional Resources for Parents:

Psst… Here are 16 books to read during Pride Month (and all year round)!