Does your marriage come before your children? The Instagram debate continues

For decades, the subject of marriage has always been controversial. From large ceremonies to simple courthouse weddings where the family has to contribute most of the money or pay for the wedding dress, the subject of marriage raises many questions. While most arguments can be resolved amicably, a recent Instagram trend has added a new controversial question: Should your marriage come before your children?

In October, Kaitlin Klimmer made one Instagram post with her unpopular opinion: my marriage does not come before my children.

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“I've come to realize that the pressure to maintain the relationship pre-baby, POST-babies is just an example of the patriarchy telling women that their greatest achievement in life will be having children, but no one cares all of them should feel the impact of having those children – including their partners,” the influencer wrote in a long caption. “It is only logical that there is not much left for our partners this season. And honestly, if our partners REALLY take on their fair share of the burden of raising children, they should leave less of these things for us too!!

The post received more than 28,000 likes and started the debate about whether children should come before the husband in a marriage.

“These ideals are likely rooted in different cultural, religious, and societal beliefs about the purpose of marriage and family. For some, the belief that marriage should come first is tied to the traditional view that partnership is the foundation of the family,” says Jillian AmodioLicensed Marriage Social Worker (LMSW). “Others may argue that children are the ultimate priority because they depend on their parents for survival and development.”

Although there isn't much data on how many women put their husbands before their children, according to the Institute for Family Studies87 percent of women want to get married before having children, yet 40 percent of children are born to unmarried mothers. The conversation led to many opinions, with both sides of the argument presented. Some believe that if you want to be good parents, you have to make an effort to keep the marriage alive.

“These are shams. You can prioritize your marriage and still take care of your kids,” one user commented under the post. “Date night and physically leaving your children behind are not the only way to prioritize your marriage and put it first. Your children need to see that you prioritize your marriage, which is also important for their development.”

It is believed that keeping the marriage alive serves as a form of structure and a solid foundation for the child, and therefore serves as a first priority.

“A strong argument can be made that fostering a strong marital relationship will help create a stable and loving environment that benefits children and models healthy relationships,” says Amodio. “The trend appears to be a way for people to recapture the idea that maintaining marriage is critical to the overall health of the family. And this is fundamentally true! Nurturing the marriage should also naturally translate into nurturing the children.”

A 2021 study from the American Psychology Association found that relationship satisfaction fluctuates over time and declines during the first ten years of being together, whether couples are parents or not. According to MustelaAbout 60% of couples experience this postpartum fighting phase and 20% end in divorce. Therefore, prioritizing marriage is also the key to ensuring a better life for your child.

Research has shown that children who grow up in a two-parent home generally do better in life. They are less likely to get into trouble at school or with the law, but more likely graduated high school and collegeand they are more likely to have a higher income and also to get married.

“It is imperative to prioritize your marital relationship, and remember that for many, in terms of timing, your spouse came first, and for most families, prioritizing the marital relationship will have an overall positive trickle-down effect on the children . Prioritizing your partner does not automatically mean neglecting your children,” says Amodio.

On the other side of the fence, others, like Klimmer, believe that it is important to live in the moment and enjoy the children while they are young, and that their developmental needs come first.

“An adult who can take care of himself in terms of development versus a completely dependent child… not equal at all,” says the user Montessori expat commented. “I'm so tired of this childcare culture and pretending you're still single. Enjoy the children while they are young. Be there for them. One day you won't be able to kiss it better and you'll wish you were there more when it really mattered,” said another.

This is evident from research by New York City Department of Health, the first five years are especially crucial for physical, intellectual and social-emotional development. During this time, the brain quickly forms connections between neurons, laying the foundation for future cognitive skills, and during this time negative experiences can have lasting effects. According to Amoido, it is not abnormal to want to prioritize your children at this stage.

“In many circumstances, it is normal for parents to prioritize the well-being of their children, because they naturally depend on adults for almost everything,” she says.

Ultimately, deciding whether to put your marriage or your children first is a fine line to walk, involving cultural, societal, and personal values ​​and pressures. While each side has its pros and cons, professionals like Amoido suggest open communication, a prioritization of what methods work best for your family, and not being overly triggered or influenced by social trends.

“Social media has a way of reinforcing simplified ideas and encouraging black-and-white thinking,” she concludes. “This is not a one-size-fits-all or one-size-fits-all conversation, but rather an ongoing balancing act that requires ongoing conversations and adjustments. The idea that one or the other should actually come first is actually quite dangerous.”

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