Domestic Violence: Teenagers in Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Is Your Teen in an Abusive Relationship?

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is commemorated every October to raise awareness about abusive relationships. The statistics on intimate partner violence are staggering. While many people think it may never happen to them and that they will never be in an abusive relationship, the truth is that it is happening steadily across the board. Chances are you know someone who has been abused by their partner, because it is unfortunately common. In the United States alone, ten million people are abused by their partners every year, including teenagers.

Although both men and women experience domestic violence, it is more common among women. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point in their lives. Similarly, about 1 in 3 women and almost 1 in 6 men experience some form of sexual violence.

According to the United NationsIntimate partner violence affects people across race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic and educational backgrounds. It also affects all age groups, including young people. When it happens to teenagers, it’s called teen dating violence.

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Intimate partner violence among teenagers

Anyone who has raised a teenager knows that it can be very difficult to get them to open up, especially when it comes to their first loves. It’s hard for parents to recognize the signs of trouble, and even teens themselves may not realize what’s going on because it can be so subtle. They may also feel pressured to keep things quiet. Plus, teens are just figuring out relationships while trying to fit in and gain acceptance from their friends, so they may not notice the signs of intimate partner violence at all.

At its core, intimate partner violence is about power and control. The abuser may initially act caring and jealous, but that is just a way to maintain control. According to the CDC16 million women and 11 million men who experienced intimate partner violence experienced it before turning 18, and about 1 in 5 high school students experience dating violence.

What intimate partner violence looks like in teens

As a parent, it is very important to realize that although physical violence is easy to recognize, any unwanted contact is still abuse and can escalate. Pay attention to things like pushing, hitting, throwing or breaking things. It could also be a partner who gets in your teen’s way while driving, stops him, uses threats or weapons, blocks exits, or prevents him from calling for help.

Yet it is not always clear. Emotional abuse in teens can be subtle and difficult to identify. These can include insults, constant criticism and manipulation that can seriously damage your child’s self-esteem. You may notice controlling behavior, such as telling them who to hang out with or how to dress, and this can escalate to jealousy, spying on their text messages, and becoming angry when they can’t reach them. Teens may also be pressured to send sexy photos and engage in sexting.

Gaslighting is another red flag and can cause your teen to doubt their feelings and memories. Your teen’s partner may give him the silent treatment, refuse to listen to him, tell him he’s crazy, or that what happened didn’t happen. There may also be threats and rumors (especially on social media), as well as feelings of guilt, which can make your teen feel trapped and dependent on the abuser.

Abusers also make it a point to isolate and intimidate. They may try to prevent your teen from seeing friends and even family, go out without them, or make him feel guilty for wanting to do something without him. While guilt is a big controlling factor, intimidation is also huge. They may use threatening looks, yell, threaten to leave or break up, drive recklessly, threaten to call the police, or hurt family, friends, or pets.

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How can parents help their teens?

Ideally, the best way to know what’s going on with your teen is to keep communication open and talk about relationships before entering into one. Talk to your teen about relationships often. Talk about what a healthy partner looks like and what warning signs to look for. Of course, it always helps to model healthy romantic relationships, too. If you have been in an abusive relationship, speak honestly about your experience.

If you suspect dating violence and your teen isn’t comfortable talking to you, suggest that he/she see a therapist and see one yourself to help you work through it. The most important thing is to make sure your teen knows that you are there for him and that he will always have your support without judging or punishing him.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or dating violence between teen partners, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 .