Is hyper-independence good or bad for mental health?

In recent years, people have begun to glorify the concepts of “self-made” and “single-handed.” People glow with pride when they call themselves self-sufficient. And when we encounter someone who seeks help from their romantic partner, a parent who feels the need to hire house help, or a young boy who accepts financial help from his parents, we label that person as “needy” and develop an aversion to their life choice, as if dependency is a sign of weakness. There is no denying that being self-sufficient is a great life skill to learn, but this idea can be taken too far for some people who are unwilling to accept help or support, even when needed, from someone else. This concept is called hyper-independence.

This idea can hinder a person’s mental well-being and directly impact their relationships or career. If you are in this state of mind, you should know all about hyper-independence, what it feels like and whether it needs attention from a mental health perspective.

What is hyper-independence?

Excessive or extreme reliance on oneself, to the point of never asking for help or support from others, is the hallmark of the hyper-independent behavioral style. Financial, mental, physical, or emotional help are all examples of forms of support. It often shows a strong aversion to dependency, an inability to ask for or accept help, and a tendency to take care of everything themselves, even when it is burdensome or unnecessary. Hyper-independent people are willing to gamble with their physical or mental well-being, but they will not accept help from others, says psychologist and psychotherapist Priyanka Kapoor.

Is hyper-independence a trauma response?

Hyper-independence can be partly attributed to the trauma response. People who have been betrayed, abandoned, or not had enough support in the past may become overly independent as a coping strategy to protect themselves from future harm. Hyper-independence can also result from serious financial problems in childhood, dysfunctional families, bullying at home or at school, and inattentive parenting.

Side effects of hyper independence

Acting overly self-sufficient or hyper-independent can have its own share of repercussions. Some of the negative effects of hyper-independence include:

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1. Fatigue

You become overly independent and take on excessive commitments, which can drain you both mentally and physically, the expert says. When you go through life trying to manage everything yourself, you will naturally feel drained or exhausted. This can leave very little room for that much-needed “me-time” in your life. And if you don’t get that often, you will end up feeling tired and frustrated with everything in life.

2. May cause a break in the connections

Hyper-independent people also avoid asking for help or support, which can lead to a breakdown in relationships with friends, family and colleagues and result in tense or superficial interactions, the expert says. When we bluntly reject someone’s humble offer of help, we can often make the other person feel offended. Others may perceive our action as ignorant or perhaps that the other person is not enough to help us. This can damage our well-built relationships, as our loved ones are our benefactors and only step forward to help us make our lives better.

3. Can lead to increased stress

Hyper-independence exacerbates loneliness, stress, anxiety and depression. As a result, it affects both their physical and professional well-being. Our attempt to always be on our own can at some point lead us to feel lonely or depressed. After constantly rejecting the help of others, we can end up in a very lonely space, with no one to help us when we might really need it.

4. May hinder space for growth

If you refuse help, it can reduce your chances of personal growth and gaining knowledge from others. We always learn a lot by observing or being around people who are much further ahead than us in real life. If we always remain in a state of denial, we also block the space for our personal growth. This is because less social interaction makes us less likely to learn and improve in the areas where we fall short.

5. Adaptation and acceptance problems

Hyper-independence can lead to thoughts and cognitive processes that are both rigid and flexible, which can cause problems with adaptation and non-acceptance. When we live alone in our own space, we become very accustomed to our way of living and thinking. And when we are there for so long, there is a high chance that we become rigid or inflexible. So when we have to include other people in our lives, personally or professionally, we find it very difficult to adapt to their way of life.

Furthermore, this can lead them to become perfectionists in all areas of their lives, including their relationships, work and daily activities, the expert said.

What should you do if you think you are hyper-independent?

If you feel like you have traits of a hyper-independent person, realizing that can help you do better and know more about how to deal with the problem appropriately. Here are some ways to deal with hyper-independence:

1. Self-reflection

Examine your past experiences and traumas to gain insight into the underlying causes of hyper-independence. You need to dig into your past to notice patterns that have led to the person you are today. Notice them and do your best in terms of actions and changed thinking to break free from that loop of familiar behavior that has become our comfort zone.

2. Ensure gradual change

Start small by accepting help with small tasks, and then gradually expand your willingness to depend on others, the expert advises. Self-change is never easy, it’s the hardest thing to do. Start small, because you want to grow into bigger changes in your life. This will keep you from getting overwhelmed.

3. Therapy

The expert help of a therapist can address underlying issues and provide techniques to build confidence and reduce the fear of showing weakness. Therapy techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) help change your thinking patterns, which will result in changed behavior.

4. Creating trust

Focus on building trust in close relationships by being honest about your needs and fears, the expert suggests. Refusing help from others may stem from the fact that we see them as incapable or insufficient to help. Give your loved ones at least one chance to start, so they can show that they are capable.

5. Set boundaries

Acquire the ability to set healthy boundaries that promote both interdependence and independence. Get help when needed, but don’t overdo it while trying to change yourself. If you think you can do it all on your own, tell the other person clearly and don’t try to force them by getting help.

6. Delegate responsibilities

Get comfortable assigning responsibilities to others and recognize that collaboration can be beneficial, suggests Priyanka Kapoor. If you can handle one part of the job and need help with another, feel free to delegate responsibilities for that.

7. Give in to self-compassion

Practice self-compassion and understand that asking for help is a step toward a balanced life rather than a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself as you transform into a different person. You will stumble, you will fall, but dare to get back up for yourself and a better life by learning to be okay while seeking help.